Toxic Family ROLES (Part 2)

I KNOW WHAT IS EXPECTED -
my Role tells me!

Part 1: Dysfunction

In families centered around addiction, the main roles are:
1. For the ADULTS
a. The Addict
The person with the addiction is the center of the family ‘universe’ & gets all the attention. It can be a parent, a teen or an adult-child.  Al-Anon says: “The sickest person in the room wins!” & “The alcoholic has their arms wrapped around the bottle, while the co-alcoholic has their arms wrapped around the alcoholic.”  Once this ‘dance’ has been established, what’s left is for everyone else to unconsciously fill in the rest of the roles, to complete the mobile.
• Inside the person, prerequisites for addiction are: genetic inheritance, personality traits, attitude, beliefs, history of trauma & their capacity for coping with life's challenges
• Outside, addiction is affected by important relationships: family and friends, cultural beliefs and social influences / pressures

b. The Caretaker (Enabler, Martyr)
The Enabler, usually a spouse but sometimes an older child, makes all the other roles possible. They have to keep the family together,  keep everyone happy, keep the addict from injuring or killing themselves, & maintain a semblance of cohesion & balance.  They make excuses for bad behavior, emotional abuse & irresponsibility, avoiding any mention of the addiction or the possibility of Recovery.  They make an enormous effort to present a problem-free face to the world but Al-Anon says: “You’re only as sick as your secrets.”
• As the long-suffering martyr, Enablers take on the addict’s problems & the blame for their failures, living on the highs & lows of another person.  This Role allows them to covers up their low self-esteem, gives them a sense of purpose & staves off their fear of abandonment. Underneath, they don’t believe anyone healthier would want them, but may not admit it even to themselves.
• Enablers are consciously or unconsciously sought out by addicts, who then never have to face their problems or hit bottom.  They don’t know that if they stopped Rescuing everyone, they would interrupt the codependent cycle, which could actually lead to healing.
See article “Being addicted to the Addict” by K. Capell-Sowder

For the CHILDREN✶  Hero, Placater,  Scapegoat,  Lost Child & Mascot -- which will be covered in the next 5 posts. To understand the purpose of these roles, we first need to put them in context.
✶ These roles were originally identified in Don Wegscheider’s book,
IF ONLY MY FAMILY UNDERSTOOD ME, 1979

2. As CHILDREN
-- the eldest boy or eldest girl is usually the Hero or Placater, who is aligned with the non-drinking parent (if there is one)
-- the next child becomes the Scapegoat, identifying with the active addict
-- The Lost Child 3rd or middle one, & is mostly ignored (3rd wheel)
-- the Mascot is last, who tries to keeps things light

• Just as there are shifts in any living system, the way roles are assigned, clumped together or reassigned changes over the years of a family’s life.  Toxic Family Roles (TFRs) themselves stay the same no matter who they’re stuck onto, but can overlap or be passed on, like a deadly virus! These severely limiting, false personae are taken on by each child, in one of several ways. If there are fewer or more children, roles double up:

a. For the only child, all 5 roles✶ weigh on them, with one often being dominant, so one person may become mainly Lost Child while another may be mainly Mascot, etc. Because of not having siblings to share the roles, this child (& later as adult) can experience rapid cycling of moods which can be scary, confusing & sometimes mistaken for manic-depression.
 ✶ What may actually be happening, especially under stress, is a shift from one Role to another in quick succession - Hero / Placater to Mascot to Scapegoat to Lost Child & back again - with the mental & emotional perspective of each suddenly coming to the foreground & then being replaced.  If there is no obvious medical condition, this switching can be understood rather than feared & even be used as a temporary coping skill until Recovery brings out the True Self

b. If there are only 2 kids, each takes on more than one role, depending on gender, birth order & personality.  In this case each child can still have one dominant Role, but can switch into another when dealing with different types of people.  So a child with a primary Role of Hero (the elder), with Scapegoat & Lost Child as sub-roles, can act out the Scapegoat when someone pushes them too far, or the Lost Child when being mistreated in some way. 
•  The Hero (usually the eldest) is required to be perfect at all times - to know everything, never make mistakes, always look good..... This is an enormous burden.  When the ‘job’ gets to be too much this child may say or do something inappropriate, outrageous or illegal to relieve the stress of perfectionism. It is both a rebellion & a cry for help, but only garners punishment & a demand for a return to Hero status. 

-- When the Hero is unexpectedly insulted, attacked, falsely accused.... or confronted with any serious threat of abandonment, they may become MUTE - the ‘computer’ going blank’ - from terror.  It is only after the initial abuse or danger is passed that the ability to think & speak returns, as if a screen had been turned back on!
-- The Hero (often also an only child) is the one singled out by a parent to be used as a substitute spouse

• The Placater is more likely to be subservient than the Hero, more focused on keeping the peace rather than on high accomplishments.

c. The second child may be Mascot & Lost Child, & sometimes may take on the Hero / Placater when the older sibling has left home or is incapacitated - OR when running their own household as an adult. 

d. With 3 or more - there are still some overlaps. When an older child leaves home (usually the Hero going off to school, work or war) someone else takes over, which means doubling up & more pressure 

3. AS ADULTS
a. the Hero (usually but not always an Extrovert by nature) may hold on to the role with all their might & become a professional, a healer, an executive.... anyone with authority, responsibility & clout - but only on behalf of others,  OR
• at some point turn their back on the Role so completely that they become the Scapegoat - the perennial ‘fuck-up’ - in order to not have any responsibilities at all - even to themselves.  If that gets to be too much, eventually they can switch into Lost Child & be ‘invisible'

b. the Placater is the overly cheerful & helpful one in class or in the office, always agrees, doesn’t have strong opinions & doesn’t want to disappoint anyone. They are made fun of for being a--kissers & door mats

c. The Scapegoat** often gets fired, doesn’t follow thru & may land in jail, but can also get a lot of street cred as being cool, the bad-boy/girl or rebel.  They are very envious of the positive attention given the Hero. They sometimes take up the Hero role if the older child is missing & there is a desperate need in the family, but it rarely gets them the praise & love given to the ‘favorite’.
** IMPORTANT: Don’t confuse these 2, altho they may overlap:
-- Scapegoat Role, which is about the child taking on the suffering of the family in order to ease their suffering
-- Being scapegoated is when one kid is chosen by the family to be continually picked on as the source of their problems (because they’re ‘different’ in some way OR they’re too strong, too honest - or both)

d. The Lost Child (as a primary position) tends to be an Introvert by nature, so they are more likely to stay in the background throughout life. Even if isolated in their personal life, they can make great contributions to humanity in literature, science, acting, any form of writing....
• If they form any attachment, it will often be with a Hero type who will take care of them & run their life, or a Scapegoat (perpetrator) who will control & bully them. They are very loyal & usually passive-aggressive since they don’t ‘do’ confrontation.  They may have one close friend for life or none at all

e. The Mascot is usually an Extrovert by nature (but not always) & will find ways to get noticed - any kind of performer, teacher, salesperson..... if they give up the facade of silliness & ignorance. They are the life of the party, naturally entertaining but have to work hard to be taken seriously, unless they also have Hero as a sub-role so they can pull out competence & reliability from that ego state when needed

NEXT: TFR & Co-dependence