ACoAs - NOT allowed to RECEIVE (Part 1)

 
NO, THAT’S OK -
I don’t need anything!


Previous: Healthy Control
Review post: "Abandonment Pain, Now"(Aug '10)

Healthy Reciprocity
• Being able to receive is as normal a part of life as giving. It’s ultimately an exchange of energy, which we all need & have a right to, like trees exchanging carbon dioxide for oxygen. Both parties benefit.
Reciprocity is not just about the things that are exchanged, which may or may not have value in themselves, but is a linking mechanism used as social capital (something we spend / expend) in order to bond with others - to create trust, affection & solidarity            

• Of course, being able to participate in exchanges of any kind depends on trusting oneself & whoever one is dealing with. When there is too much uncertainly, exchanges are not possible, as one or both parties will tend to hold on to all their ‘valuables’ - time, money, affection, info, confidences.... As a result of chaos, uncertainty & lack of trust generated by our family, ACoAs have great difficulty with reciprocity, having been programmed to give, but not allowed to be given to!

Abandonment - with the focus being so completely on the addicts & narcissists in our family, we were left out of the loop of information (Ts), nurturing (Es) & protection (As) that any healthy parent would have provided. Our training to not-be-given-to goes so deep that even the thought of someone legitimately treating us well can cause a panic attack, especially if we grew up in the Hero Role. It actually feels dangerous, terrifying & physically painful!

Exp: A successful business man found out (by some careful questioning)  that over the past 10 years he had employed 3 different assistants who were ACoAs. One of them, Jane, was not only efficient at work but had consistently gone above & beyond her duties to ‘take care’ of her boss. 
• This CEO wanted to show Jane his appreciation in addition to the usually expected business ‘gifts’, & asked her what he could do for her.  She was adamant that he should do nothing more. He was puzzled & insisted she receive some additional compensation, such as an all expense paid vacation or free school tuition. She began to shake & cry, insisting she could not possible take anything more. Her reaction was so intense that he finally backed off, shaking his head in dismay.

Neglect : After visiting the Empire State building a loving mother asked her little girl: “So, did you like it?” - twice.  An ACoA listening recalls that in a similar situation, her parents were totally focused on their own interest: “Wow, that’s some view!” but never actually included the kids.
• This is a rather subtle example of the many ways we were ‘told’ we didn’t count, weren’t seen, had no right to an opinion. And beyond that, we were shown or told outright that we shouldn’t ask for what we needed, much less wanted. When we did ask, we were ignored, punished or flat out told nothing was wrong with us - anything from being hungry to having a broken arm - the message was clear that we were too much of a bother, only to be tolerated - but never helped.

• Dickens’ Oliver Twist was one of many starving orphans forced to labor in a 1830‘s London workhouse. One day he held out his bowl & begged: “Please Sir, I want some more” (watery porridge), which started a riot - but got him no seconds.
• Whether ACoAs were deprived of food or not, & some of us were, we were certainly starved in a wide variety of PMES ways. Abused kids find their own individual way to cope with years of deprivation - denial & repression being an inevitable result. This leaves us acting out the neglect either by being overtly needy & grasping, or ‘above it all’ - suppressing how much we still long for the impossible, for the care they couldn’t give.

Wanting more is not just about having things. It’s about wanting normal human need like love, safety, attention, kindness, the right information, respect, nurturing ....which we didn’t receive growing up. Many of us concluded that our main character defect - is our need for love (a misuse of 12-Step Program’s 4th Step). After all these years, how foolish to still want something we believe we don’t deserve! Right?

WHY ACoAs can’t TAKE in anything positive
1. ABOUT US (our assumptions)
Co-Dependence - because of the ACOA rule ‘Other people needs are always more important than mine’, we have to keep on giving to everyone else, without ever considering our own requirements & desires
Failure - “ACoAs are human doing, rather than human beings”.  The focus was always on what we did wrong - on actions, not personal value. And since we never seemed to do anything well, right or good enough - we haven’t ‘earned’ being treated well, receiving respect & consideration, much less love 
Loyalty - to stay connected to the family system - not feel rejected, abandoned, alone, even as adults - we unconsciously decided that it’s NOT ok to have more than our family - at any category. That way we can all continue suffering together (“Misery loves company”)

Scarcity - based on real experiences, we concluded that the universe has very limited resources, so to get anything for ourselves automatically diminishes someone else - usually a parent or sibling.
Selfishness - to ask for more is not just futile, it’s presumptuous & arrogant. Many of us were taught that wanting for yourself is a sin.
Self-Hate - it’s not hard to see then why we gathered that we aren’t worthy of being given to! Not only because we’re bad, unlovable, selfish,  greedy - “Children should be seen & not heard” - but that we haven’t ‘earned’ it, in some mysterious way! “ACoAs are human doing, rather than human beings”

Suffering is the rule of the (alcoholic) universe: ”Life is hard!” and “You’re always supposed to struggle, but never ‘get there’”. So - don’t bother trying

Payback - If we do take anything, we automatically feel obligated to that person or group. While reciprocity is a normal human expectation, ACoAs believe what we have to give back is our time, money, total attention.... our very life blood! No wonder we’re reluctant!

Punishment - to try for more of anything could easily get us deliberately ignored, a slap, a disgusted look, being humiliated in public or an abusive tirade. Some of us had to ask over & over for anything, even basics, before they reluctantly gave in

This puts us in another DOUBLE BIND:
a. We’ve been brainwashed to believe we have no other choice but to provide whatever someone asks for. We obey the family rules - it’s the only way we can be tolerated. BUT -
b. We don’t want to take care of others, hate having to give & give, especially to angry & selfish people. We’re trapped in a debilitating conflict: If we disobey the Rules, we feel terrible guilt, but if we give in, we hate ourselves & the people we ‘help’. Tortured either way.
• ACoAs handle the expectations, demands or whines of others BY:
-- Most commonly: a knee-jerk reaction to comply - before we can take a breath we’re fixing, doing, comforting - giving, giving, giving!
-- For some of us:  the only option is to be almost totally withholding - as the only way to not get sucked in.

✶ Either way, it leaves NO room for us to RECEIVE!

NEXT: Can’t Receive - Re. Others (Part 2)

Healthy Control

WHAT I BELIEVE
guides what I do!


Previous: Letting go of Acting C, Part 3
REMINDER: Go to Acronym PAGE for abbrev.

Self-Control 101  (Normal)
Events or Thoughts ---> lead to ---> Emotions
Emotions -------> lead to ------> Beliefs
Beliefs     -------> lead to ------> Decisions
Decisions -------> lead to ------> Actions
Actions ---> lead to ---> Rewards or Consequences

“To enjoy freedom we have to control ourselves” ~ Virginia Woolf

Purpose of Self-Control (SC)
To gain a present reward or a delayed gratification, OR to delay, reduce or eliminate punishment
Location
“Researchers are working on identifying the brain areas involved in the exertion of self control & many different areas are known to be involved.”  Scans show that SC correlates with “an area in the dorsal fronto-median cortex in the frontal lobe... distinct from those involved in generating intentional actions, attention to intentions, or selecting between alternatives. This control occurs through the top-down inhibition of premotor cortex.” (Read more....@ Wikipedia)

ASPECTS & FUNCTIONS
Self-control may be defined as being in charge of our own actions & is quite complex. This take the form of staying awake & being in the present, regulating our thoughts, dealing with our emotions, setting goal & following thru, & making responsible choices.
As adults, we’re held responsible for our thoughts, emotions & actions (TEA) to the extent that these can be under our self-control, which is not always possible. HOWEVER, SC is very hard to maintain if we’re in the wrong environment, where others are not willing to govern themselves.

• People are born with varying degrees of tolerance for routine vs. change, patience vs boredom... BUT, unlike physiological traits, SC can definitely be considered a learned skill to the degree that it’s developed through education & social interaction & conditioning
• SC becomes self-discipline when we has to apply intentional effort.
• When it’s practiced habitually for some time, it becomes a personality or character trait.
• SC is an important part of a cluster of internal resources (character, courage, faith, purpose, endurance) which - when tested by constant pressure or long-term deprivation - doesn’t disappear

• It becomes a way of thinking because of the cognitive processes and mental discipline needed to use SC
• SC requires motivation.  In certain situations, such as a special celebration or artificial psych experiment, we may decide to briefly give up self-control for the occasion (see posts)
• SC becomes a virtue when we resists temptation in order to achieve a desired goal, & can be considered a spiritual gift when it’s the result of spiritual transformation  (Read more...)

Improving SC
Based on many studies, including Fujita (2008), correcting our thinking (eliminating CDs) can enhance the ability to be in charge of ourselves, to maintain our focus and achieve greater self-discipline. It is necessary to step back & always take a mental OVER-VIEW:
• Pay more attention to the forest instead of focusing on individual trees - consider the ultimate goal or big picture of every situation
• Look at how our actions fit into an overall framework, as being part of a larger plan or purpose, NOT just a specific instance or action, and not just staring at a detail in front of us, getting lost in something that bothers us or that may be out of place. 

Exp: 
When clients are asked what they think the reason for something is, like a) “What is the purpose of Guilt?” or b) “What is the definition of Self-Hate” -- they inevitably answer by giving an example, such as a) “Feeling bad about something or b) “Being hard on oneself” -- rather than it’s meaning, or what it’s meant for
Problem:
• An instance of an issue is not its purpose or definition, so it is faulty thinking, AND
➼ only focusing on a specific exp. prevents us from being able to apply the concept to a wide variety of life situations - thus limiting our ability to understand what causes our actions & to be in charge of them.
Suggestion:
Think of a Definition or Purpose as the large category ANIMAL (the Kingdom), rather than just one of its many examples - cat, horse, bird, elephant....(the Species)


ACoAs Being IN CONTROL:
• comes from the ‘Unit’ ego state: Healthy Adult + Loving Parent
• requires a lowered level of anxiety, to not have to hide our True Self
• is based on a healthy ego, to make choices that suit us
• allows us to know what our needs and, permission to get them met, AND find ways to meet as many of our needs as possible, under the realistic circumstances of our specific lives

• is being in charge of our emotions, as well as - when, where & how we express them
• is taking responsibility for our life choices, without self-hate
• requires that our childhood rage level goes down enough so we don’t take our hurt & revenge out on others
• is built on having good boundaries, both in how we treat others & how we ‘let’ others treat us

✶ Just because we start out as under-dogs, doesn’t mean we can’t WIN - over our damage, over our pain, over others trying to control us! Being in charge of ourselves - empowered - can be every ACoA’s goal.

NEXT: ACoAs - NOT allowed to Receive (Part 1)

Letting GO of ACTING Controlling (Part 3)

THE MORE I LET GO,
the more power I have!


Previous: Letting Go of Controlling (Part 2)

MAKING CHANGES - “What we disown - we can’t change”.
Remember: You are not responsible to make changes or correct problems which are beyond your competency, power, authority or responsibility - and that ARE the responsibility of another!

Practice: Consider the following points & write out as much as you can. Do a little for each point, then go back every few days & add more
EXTERNALLY
STAY AWAKE for ways you act C.:
-- When it happens                      -- How it shows up in your actions
-- What sets it off                         -- Who it effected
-- How does it affect them           --  How do they react to you
-- How does that make you feel?

• If needed, get trusted healers & friends, mates & your adult-children to make suggestions from their experiences with you. Try not to be defensive. Just write them down & look at them later.
✶ NOTE the examples that crop up over & over, especially if mentioned by several people.

INTERNALLY
Acknowledge that you are controlling, & identify the causes (see ‘Controlling & Abandonment’ posts, Nov.’11). Consider which causes:
• you’ve already been working on
• you are willing to tackle, & what you can do to change how you act
• you have to put on the shelf until you’re more healed
Make a list of:
• all your unmet needs & work toward filling them
• develop &/or hone your talents & get recognized for them
• gradually feel the backlog of old pain that causes your anxiety  
• learn the difference between assertiveness & aggression, rage vs anger, humility vs humiliation, controlling vs in control, rescuing vs helping, possible vs impossible, connection vs symbiosis ....

Practice asking for your legitimate needs & desired from others, without demanding or having unrealistic expectations. Know who can meet specific needs & who cannot - or to what degree!

The 3 As & T.E.A.
AWARENESS: Identify your unhealthy attitudes (Ts) towards situations, unrealistic expectations of others & beliefs about how life should be.
Also, life areas that are affected (work, home...) & which are more intense than others (more with spouse, less with friends...)

ACCEPTANCE: Then - write about the experiences growing up that fostered the need to Control, especially the emotions underlying that need (Es).  Consider alternative & opposite attitudes & beliefs (Ts) you can use when life stressors set off the impulse to C. 
✶ Allow as much time as needed to make internal shifts. Acceptance is about staying in the process & not always trying to jump into Action

ACTION: List better ways (As) to behave when feeling the compulsion to be C. & try them out a little at a time. Learn how to communicate with your IC & do it consistently, to comfort & protect (Ts & Es)
Keep these new thoughts & action handy, & in a variety of locations so you can remind yourself (home, car, office, fridge, wallet or purse ...)

Practice: Pick one thing you feel a definite need to control, and then DON’T make any effort what-so-ever to exert your will over the situation the next time around. Allow yourself to just watch the external experience unfold completely on its own, without any help from you. As you observe, notice you thoughts & emotions.
• You’ll feel shaky at first, as this will most likely bring up fear and anxiety from past trauma. HOLD onto to your WIC, & let it know its not in danger.
Use Bookending with the kid, to prove that most things turn out much better that we anticipate. In this case - observe how things turn out whenever you don’t C. & have little talks with the kid about it each time, so he/she learns that ‘the war is over & we can get out of the bunker’!

From “Losing Control, Finding Serenity” book by Daniel A. Miller
Daily Exercise:
• With respect to your children, listen attentively to them without offering advice. Recognize that they are different from you in the way they think and process things, and accept that your way may not be the right way—for them.
• In your love relationship, lower your expectations of your mate—and of yourself. Focus on what steps you can take to improve your love bond.
• With respect to your creative endeavors, focus on just enjoying the process. Don’t plan or think too much about the outcome. Don’t fret about making “mistakes.” Start a piece with the intention of not completing it, and see what unfolds.
✶ Even if you are only partially successful in doing these things, you will begin to discover that letting go of control brings you freedom & contentment! (Read more....)

NEXT: ACoAs - not allowed to RECEIVE

Letting GO of ACTING Controlling (Part 2)

NEED TO HEAL THE FEAR -
to stop controlling


Previous: Letting Go, Part 2
Revue : Negative Benefits,  2 posts
REMINDER: Use Acronyms Page for abbrev.

Practice: To help you identify the various layers of this issue, consider these 4 Qs. Write as much as you can about each.  Put it away for a week or a month & then go back & read it. Share about the Qs in meetings, therapy & with friends. Add more thoughts as they surface.

NEGATIVE BENEFITS (-+) of being Controlling (see posts from 11/’10)
Q: What do you personally get from holding on to this pattern?
• N.B. are patterns that keeps us attached to our damage, that feel familiar & safe - but stunt our growth. It’s the narcissistic grandiosity of the WIC, as well as the ‘entitlement’ attitude of many young people of the current generation, since it makes people temporarily feel powerful.

• When we’re in C. mode, we’re functioning from the underlying position that everything revolves us - good or bad. “Put a sweater on, I’m cold”! , “I should let you go” , “I don’t understand why you don’t (like what I like, think the way I do)....” .  This lets us to feel important, to always be right, to get our way, to never be vulnerable, to be heard & paid attention to, to have an effect on the world.... many of the things we didn’t get as a kid - but don’t actually heal us since it keeps us totally dependent on others to provide them.

NEGATIVE DETRIMENTS (--)
Q: What are all the ways it hurts you & others? 
• This may be hard to answer at first because Cs are not genuinely interested in others - their experience, their emotions, their needs... only their own.  But we can think about the ways we felt when someone was controlling us: resentful, stifled, belittled, disrespected....  
• Being C. limits our option - it keeps us from being in the flow of life. We don’t get to find out what wonderful things can happen if we stopped trying to force the world to conform to our narrow vision.

POSITIVE DISCOMFORT (+-)
Q: What are you afraid will happen if you stop controlling?
Changing a deeply ingrained pattern like C. can bring up a lot of anxiety, especially if we’ve built our whole persona on ‘running things’, like Heroes do. (However, the other Roles each control in their own specific ways). 
• We think we’ll be in some kind of danger, mainly internal, but not the kind of physical danger that can come from standing up to a bully. More like feeling our old abandonment pain & letting go of cherished illusions.
Changing means giving up a way of experiencing ourselves we thought was our personality, but was another form of acting out our history - just the False Self.

• OR we’re afraid someone we love will be in danger.  This may be somewhat realistic if we’re dealing with active addicts who are bent on self-destruction. Sadly, the Healthy thing to do is let them find their own way. We can present info & options for them to Recover, but they have to want it. Sometimes formal interventions work, but not always. And sometimes, no matter what we do, addicts die.
• BUT - most of the time, the world goes on just fine without our two-cents! As we grow we can more & more tolerate the discomfort of not interfering with the natural order of things, & eventually it gets easier.

POSITIVE BENEFITS (++)
Q: Why is it worth giving up?
• Taking responsibility for ourselves is the opposite of being C. Instead of wasting energy on manipulating others, we get to find out who WE really are - our talents, knowledge, gifts, experience... to take center stage in our own life & express our multifaceted Self.

• Even when we’ve achieved / earned a measure of success in the world, ACoAs often don’t own it or feel comfortable being valued & acknowledged. Being in-the-flow (not C.) allows us to enjoy our achievements & accolades.

• For anyone bent on Recovery -at all costs- the gain is in self-esteem, a genuine sense of freedom, & the ability to connect with healthy people who respect us & whom we can trust to be ok without our constant vigilance!

REALITY
✶ Most people have more resiliency, depth, strength and flexibility than they give themselves credit for. Trust yourself to handle all kinds of circumstances. Keep saying: “I know what I know”!
SO - catch yourself in the act of being C. & stop as soon as you can. Remind yourself of the benefits of changing & give your kid a big hug!

NEXT: Letting Go, Part 3

Letting GO of ACTING Controlling (Part 1)

I CAN GET MY NEEDS MET -
without arranging everything!


Previous: Acting Controlling (Part 2)
REMINDER: Use Acronyms Page for abbrev.


STOP Acting Controlling
 To change this dysfunctional pattern takes Willingness, Perseverance & Courage!  We have to be ready to look at ourselves without intense judgement & S-H, or we’re not going to own the C. behaviors.

The OLD Way: Being C. is to function on the assumption that feeling safe in the world is totally up to us by arranging everything OUR way, all the time.
But, the very act of Controlling is a betrayal the True Self, so we keep shutting ourselves off from healing our wounds & loving connections with others, because of the fear & rage we carry from the WIC & PP.

Ironically, being a control freak never seems to include changing oneself! And, the Negative Introject will keep trying to deceive us, saying that the only way to proceed is to completely control every tiny detail of how and when things should happen, and/or others should act.  It will continually torture our thoughts, making us believe we’re not good enough or doing it right, so the IT doesn’t lose its power over us

BOTTOM LINEs
• Being Controlling is NOT the same as having strong opinions. Rather,  it’s a way to ‘force solutions’ by imposing our will on others
• C. (vs. to Being in Control) can be labeled a character defect, but it’s imperative we don’t berate ourselves for it
• It’s a form of grandiosity, a defense mechanism - defending against re-experiencing early vulnerability, powerlessness & daily neglect
• Being C. provides a temporary feeling of being powerful (not at the mercy of anyone!) but like all addictions, has to be constantly repeated, since it doesn’t heal the fear that’s underneath

• We likely learned our style of controlling from someone in our family
• Letting go of being C. can only be done in stages & never perfectly!
• As the WIC heals & we strengthen our ‘Unit’, the need for it will diminish in intensity, but may never completely go away. This has to be accepted - with healthy humility & self-respect (opposite of grandiosity)
• Lessening it requires self-esteem, boundaries, making better choices & letting love in - wherever it may come from!

Condensed from ‘Chakra Healing’ : The THIRD CHAKRA 
• The Solar Plexus or Personal Power Chakra (energy vortex #3) is located above the navel and below the sternum. It’s ruled by the Sun & emits a yellow light of optimism, renewal & happiness - when free-flowing. The seat of personal power & the will, it generates the mental strength to learn and use gathered information. It forms our sense of True Self, so when this Chakra is open and clear we feel good about ourselves & have the ability to accomplish whatever we set out to do.

• When the Chakra is blocked we’re not genuine & we mistrust others. The enemy of this chakra is shame & overbearing authority figures.  It will quickly shut down when children grow up in an abusive, unsafe environment, with constant fear of punishment and age-INappropriate responsibilities. Children are stripped of their personal strength by a parent who is over-controlling, too fearful & full of shame. OR the chakra can be over-energized to the point of making a person too rigid, controlling and fearful. (Read more.....)

LETTING GO of Acting Controlling
There are many wise things to be said about ‘Letting Go’, but here are 2 main ones for ACoAs. To grow, we need to --

1. Let go of trying to win our parents’ love - if they didn’t /don’t have the capacity, at all. OR not chasing them (or substitutes) for the KIND of nurturing every child needs but was simply not available to us because of their damage, even if they meant well & said they loved us.

2. Let go of the illusion that doing things perfectly will get us that love & approval. All it does is increase our self-hate & fear, because perfection is unattainable AND our family’s mental or emotional health is not - and was never was - in our power to create. People either can love us or not. We can not earn it!  

A NEW Way: To be free of the compulsion to Control is to give up on the internal fight, to stop trying to manage everything, to stop trying to please the PP, & stay out of whatever is none of our business!
✶ This does NOT mean being lazy, withholding or paralyzed. 
• Rather - it comes from knowing that even in times of discomfort our inner foundation is built on solid ground - a support system made up of our Loving Inner Parent, the Higher Power & respectful / kind people.
• Being comfortable in our skin means to allow OTHERS to be themselves, & letting many circumstances be - just as they are.  There’s a time to act & a time to be still. This is what the Serenity Prayer is referring to: Change what we can right now, & Accept what we can’t change at all, what’s not yet possible, or is not yet the right time.

NEXT: Letting Go, Part 2